Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
