You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
