i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
