Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
