I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
