High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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