My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
