lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
