You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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