May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
