that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
