I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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