I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
