no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
how drunk are you?
Several
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
