im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
