i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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