I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
