when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
