You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
