Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
