I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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