did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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