I cannot find my penis.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
