I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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