he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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