I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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