I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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