I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When did angry sex become our thing?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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