Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
