I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
