The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
