You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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