How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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