Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
