Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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