I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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