i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
how drunk are you?
Several
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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