I'm gonna have a badass scar
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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