I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
