How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize