she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
