it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
