hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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