Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
