Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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