i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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