i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
