I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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