Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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