How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Your cock deserves a montage
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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