My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
