Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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