How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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