Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
