Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
