I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
