the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize