OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
