Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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